LET ME EXPLAIN

Come to think of it so much has happened since I last posted and bitten enchiladas here and I still don't give a damn. Today is no diferrent. The world kept swirling and seen new cloud formations that nobody could definitely categorize like how can you explain that Kill Bill movie star's accidental death due to deviant sexual practice. Strangulation my foot. I should kick that cute little tart Miss Cali for being no role model among veyklas all over the world. Anufi, the patroness in waiting of all genuine veyklas would sure be disappointed. While mis amigos y amigas back home are skinny dipping in some Batangas resort, my unico hijo also went swimming avec his aunts and cousins even after an H1N1 scare over the weekend. And instead of wallowing with my own misfortune, I am actually planning some drastic measures circumventing personal loss. Now that I found a reliable ally, black berries never taste this good. Let me just finish configuring this program. Happy whatever day geepees!

NYET PUSHKIN NYET

As I am not a person who likes to embellish stories, I'd swear to god, ceremonial, that everything I said here is the truth and nothing but the truth. But honestly, I'm really reluctant to tell you about this freng-benefactor of mine as his name is synonymous to Russian Mafia here in our city. His name alone would directly point and dangerously disclose my anonimity. And it would greatly embarrased them for some reason if they ever found out that I am writing about them. Suffice it to say that his name is Putin and be hidden among the babushka russian dolls together with his beautiful wife, Svetlana.


In time of needs, I always go to his century old office-building for help and never shun me. There's no need for written contract or anything but a firm shake of hands is enough. He'd just ask me how much I need and when I'd pay him back. No hesitation. And with his thick russian accent, he'd say, All the best! And I'm good to go.

Da...da...da...

VALENTINE'S TREATS

After threatening us employees for massive lay-offs and downsizing, they had sudden change of heart and treated us the other day for a Valentine Day's feast; All You Can Eat Buffet of chocolate fondue dip. For a change, our company's cheap Social Commitee spent an elaborate fountain that we all could partake and enjoy. Various entry of fruit salad, ( gay) twisted pretzels, (so gay) rainbow marshmallows, (very gay) and bits and tiny bits of world famous doughnuts, (absolutely gay). But of course, my favorite, boxes and boxes of scrumptious Chinese Lady Fingers, plain sweet waffers to you, (aren't they gay)?

The childish wolf in me love to smuck my face onto the said fountain of melted chocolates but we were explicitly told not to double dip. I'm vey much allergic to chocs anyways, HOORAY!!!

THE JOUST

I don't know his name, but I've been watching him very very intently. There's something interesting about him. I mean, the way he carries himself across the room, his looks, his demeanor; he stands out. He's not even tall, just about my height, 5 foot and 7 inches, yet heavier.

He's wearing a worn-out cream printed sweat-shirt over a dark-blue untucked undergarment, heavily buckled stone-washed designer jeans, and a classic striped rubber shoes.

His hands are fidgeting restlessly inside his pockets.

He is Asian but I can't tell for sure if he's Korean or Japanese. He hardly fit the profile. In fact, his eyes are not even slanted nor chinked (boy I'm such a racist) the way most of them are. They are actually rather large, doe eyed shape setted and lucid like tot's marbles. His nose, thin, and decent. He got a shoulder-lenght very shiny hair. Black and unkempt. He is also sporting a three days old beards and whiskers that suit him just fine.

It occured to me that he was also oogling me rather unstealthily. His gaze were penetrating, swordlike and I could have been pierced, killed right there and then. But instead of averting, I fought him off with equal pert; lances and arrows. Like two knights atop their horses, we're unashamedly jousting each other. Err sizing. He then in turn, dis-armed with arresting smiles. And it broke the ice so to speak; and only then that I had the courage to ask him, half-jokingly, whether he is a bigamist or masochist.

He scratched his head and cringed, Excuse me?

To which I hurriedly pointed his shirt with B.M. prints on it, What does it mean...Bussiness Management?

He pinched his shirt, up his chest; thought of it carefully, literally tounge-in-cheek; looked me in the eyes and said, Blow Me!

I'd swear, my jaw dropped from that flagrant invitation!

tbc

UNE PETITE TALK

While the rest of Canada are still shivering from bone chilling deep freeze, minus 50 degrees plus windchill factor, us here in Onion Town are now enjoying a balmy fine weather. EMG, finally the cold spell had snapped; and now I'd just have to navigate away from the brown sludge of snow.

Must I tell you that I hate small talks?

THE SALINGER IN MY BASI

The public loos I frequent away from home is notorious for etched graffittis and mundane profanities. They're solicitous and gratuitous; and anyone on their right mind wont fail to notice it and that amidst their glorious deeds, ernabees, or whathaveyous, its as if your being taunt by these anonymous vandals and hooligans whose only talents are to vent their frustrations on the society as a hole ere whole.

Incidentally, last week, J.D. Salinger, the celebrated author-actor of The Catcher In The Rye turned 90 years old. From the Sunday articles that I gathered, he no longer grants interviews. And what do they expect, at his age, he should be given the courtesy to live and enjoy his twilight years. Let the man have his privacy for crying out loud.

He came to mind because of this flagrant profanities in my shitting cubicle. Just like his book, which is laced with teen-age angst, and outright mid-finger salutations. In today's world, the old book can easily be read in bloglife form. Holden Caufeld, the main character is just a teen-age boy beyond his years. He could easily discern what is necessary to escape old New York at a time when the city can be had for mere $10 a day.

And a minor message of this book is when Caufeld was given a note that served as words to live by. It's about the "difference between the mark of maturity and immaturity with regards to dying nobly and humbly for a cause".

There I said it in pharaphrase form lest I'd be accused of copyright infringements. And while your thinking of re-visiting this old masterpiece; you may leave me now, alone...in peace and reverie!

MMIX BAG OF NUTS

Merely clad by feather boas and tatter frock, an elderly hag happened to hip brush with moi by the escalator on the way to the convention of the loons. She then went on to tell me that: her father was a rapist, he wont marry her mother.

And before I could react with a sensible come-back, she's already blessing me with her own personal deity. Instead of a frown or sneer I just smiled at her before I could form the word into my mouth that start with wh_ _ _ and rhymes with a boar. La bastarda was really enjoying the quip and went on her next victim.

I suddenly remembered the afternoon skies where this onion town was adorned by a bright crescent moon. It really brought out the philosopical grandeur among us. Welcome to 2009, when my MMIX bags of nuts are set to expire.

BALDING YEHUDI

El loco pendejo Yehudi who had shaved his hair is unlucky in love. The putana worker from tarsand north had no girlfriend nor sweetheart that he may call his own that he may stick his tool to a bunghole. But el pauvre hermano es nunca unlucky anymore for he had just won almost one hundred fifty thousand dollars (Canadian) jackpot on a Carribean poker game at downtown casino where this globewatcher is working. At the stroke of midnight last night, the gambling gods have had heard his anguish that he may at least break even or get all the money he'd lost in years of gambling. One by one all royal suited cards of heart was dealt, and the rest is now a history. I kept looking at his talisman dangling from his neck, Star of David. I can't help it.

MINORITY REPORT

Tarot reader Nadja of Russian Tea Room had it correct when predicting Conservative incumbent Laurie Hawn in our Edmonton center riding would win the federal election for the second term. But what I have not anticipated is a dismal showing of ballot returns for Liberal Jim Waschowich. Is this maybe because of voters apathy why he havent garnered as much votes compared to his predecessor Anne Mcllelan. Alberta is really a blue stronghold despite the surprise win of NDP candidate, Linda Duncan who manage to steal the ballot from (Conservative) MP Rahim Jaffer in Edmonton-Strachona. (Socialism here we come!) Just the same this leave us with a minority government at the helm of stiffed Stephen Harper. May God help us.

WASTED VOTES ?

In next two days, October 14 is our federal election. But I'm torn which party ticket should I vote for. In our household, we are still divided on whose name are we going to mark X for. Wifi is leaning consevative as our teen-ager son persuade her to do while your's truly is rooting liberal just the same. This means our votes basically just cancel each other's out. Now tell me should we exercise our responsibility knowing everything is all for naught. Strategic voting, I'm sure would make for another minority government. But I'm sure hope that in our riding, Edmonton Central, certain namesake would win to represent us. Just who on their right mind would fault Jim. The incumbent just doesn't listen, in my opinion.

TOM BABAUTAN

I just remember to tell you about my kumpadre Tom Babautan. He's the sweetest man I ever known. And I won't be ashamed to admit that I probably have a man-crush to this guy. His nurse-wife, J___, would attest to what I have to say, on how sweet more than honey is this bee, Tom Babautan, not his real name of course. After all they got married at Fort Ilocandia five years ago, didn't they? I should also say that they really good for each other. The mujer is also caring and loving. I guess it's their upbringing. They're both laid back kind of people and ever so generous and kind.

Before Tom joined his wife here in Edmonton, he worked in Dubai, the desert sand paradise as Jack of All Trades. And told me how fast their life in there. "Never a dull moment, huh?" And the money is really easy. He amassed a lot of wealth from years and years of slave-ing to this middle east petroleum country. That's why, he was so surprised to see how backward seemed to be this Onion Town. Welcome to red neck Alberta, I said.

Tom is somewhat choosy for a job, so he took a course in paleontology. Meanwhile, his Papa-Ama still in Dubai is the one who is managing his wealth. Whenever he needs money, he will just call Dubai, and presto, the money is sent electronically.

"Na...ri...gat su...ma...rak... ti.. job...di...toy!... Ma...sa...dot... ak...kon!"

I swear this is how he speaks. Ever so slowly and not deliberately. From his sing-song intonation and diction, you'd probably not notice that he's already mad. I was really accustomed to my folks back home speaking like birds in high pitches. Fast and fast. "Ukin 'nana! Dagmil, Langgong!"

But not Tom Babautan, the world could stop when he talks. He mince words in subtle fashion. Even in emergency, nothing is ever so urgent!

"Da...ra..sin...yo!...Wen?...Ta...loooooong...dis...tance...day...toy...!!!"

"An...ya...ti...sida...yo?... Nag...i...mas...yo...!!!"

EDMONTON GLOUREIA!

Since Sunday morning, January 27, Edmonton felt the brunt of winter storm. Minus 30 degrees Celsius is what most Edmontonians are braving nowadays and no relief is in sight as the forecast says that it would remain until at leastThursday. Oh my! By 11 a.m. I had to wait for ETS bus 181 which didn't came to this east-northenmost godforsaken suburb. So I decided to come back to my mother's place and ask baby sis Budda to drive me to at least the Clairview train station. The road is already bad and we keep slippin' and slidin'.

This weather also wreak havoc to my kumare ContraVida after helping loca Yolanda, her friend, boost her car. Then afterwards, she in turn cross path to an oncoming ricocheting car. Tried as she may to avoid it, she couldn't. She too was skidding like swan lake so her van was now a total wreck after being smashed hit head on and sides. It's really bad luck, cause that van was just recently vandalized and $200 worth of glass window replacement were done. But I should say that she's lucky to be alive. An Angel is still looking out for her from above. I say, it's not yet her time (knock on wood) considering the horrific look of her driver's side ( I sense money and litigation is on the way, hehehe).

Frigid weather such like this is very normal on Edmonton especially these days and believe you me, I'm not complaining. Just learn how to bundle up properly and you'll be alright. But one can still sympathize with the homeless on how they'd survive. Let's hope Mayor Mandel do something about their plight.

Just don't expect me to shovel the walkways anytime soon cause its hurting my back. And by the way Mom, Lapuks, Budha, Abe, Bida, and Santa welcome back to Edmonton. C'est Gloureia!

(LET'S F*CUK) KAY SUSAN TAYO

Pinoy Ignition

Kapag ako'y nag-iisa, madalas akong nagbabate
Madalas ginagawa ko ito, bago pa man tumae
Iniisip kong parate ay aking only dream girl
She is very very sexy, what's her name...I won't tell
So bounce bounce hanggang ito ay magalet
Kapag kanan nangawit, kaliwa ang kapalet

Araw ko na naman, tag-libog na naman ako
Sino naman kayang pokang ang mabibiktima ko
Dahil ang alaga ko ay di ko na mawisyo
Ayaw ko mang aminin...'Tol ako ay kaong na
Ilang buwan na ring sa puke nagdidiyeta
Kaya naman panay-panay pagdyadyakol sa kubeta
Babaeng maikama, siguradong manlalata
Sa pagbayo matutuyo ang puke niyang basang-basa. (One more time ...)

Kantutan ang aking mission, kahit anong klaseng posisyon
Kaya ikaw ay tumihaya...paupo o padapa
Ilabas nyo na ang pukeh nyo...eto na ang burat ko
Lumuhod saking harapan...susuhin nyo ang titi ko

Sa tabe ng kabaret, may babaeng lukaret
Veyntsingko isang kabet, tagusan hanggang puwet
Titi ko'y tuwang-tuwa, puke niyang magang-maga
Sa sobrang sarap, parang ngayoy umeepa
Lahat ng posisyon ay gusto na niyang i-try
Never never never siyang nagbibigay
Kung minsan'y masaket pag siya'y dry na dry
Sa lake ng nota ko lagi siyang umaaray.

(Dialouge: Aray aray! Tigas tigas! Bat may gatas? Sa uulitin...)

Translations:

When I'm alone/ I always masturbate/ I frequently do this before I sat the loo/
I think about my dream girl/ she's very sexy/ what's her name, I won't tell/
So bounce bounce 'till my birdy got mad/ when right Mary got tired/its left Honey's turn

• It's my day and me so horny/ whose the slut I wonder I'd victimize/Coz I cant control my rooster wild/ though I won't readily admit it/ Brother I'm really goin' crazy nuts/ Been a month since/ from vagina I'm starving/ that's why as usual on the toilet I'm jacking/ The whore that I'd laid to bed/am sure will be exhausted/ to my thrust her wet cunt so juicy will be dry/
  

To get laid is my mission/ whatever positions/So better lay down/ sitting up or with your back/ Start baring your pussies/Here's my prick and get ready/ just kneel before me/and start sucking my dicky/

Besides the cabaret/ there's a hussy bimbette/ for about twenty-five per shot/ you can screw
the bitch all the way up her ass/ happy is my schlong/ while her box is swelling/ from too much ecstasy/she cant control her pee/ now all sexual positions she likes to try/ Never ever did she turns me down/ she's all giving even when hurting especially when she's dry/ against my tool so huge... she'd cry/

Narrations (Ouch ouch! OMG so hard! Why the cum? Stop ...check your calloused palm! Till next time)

THIS IS WHERE I LIVE SO COME AND GET ME!