LET ME EXPLAIN

Come to think of it so much has happened since I last posted and bitten enchiladas here and I still don't give a damn. Today is no diferrent. The world kept swirling and seen new cloud formations that nobody could definitely categorize like how can you explain that Kill Bill movie star's accidental death due to deviant sexual practice. Strangulation my foot. I should kick that cute little tart Miss Cali for being no role model among veyklas all over the world. Anufi, the patroness in waiting of all genuine veyklas would sure be disappointed. While mis amigos y amigas back home are skinny dipping in some Batangas resort, my unico hijo also went swimming avec his aunts and cousins even after an H1N1 scare over the weekend. And instead of wallowing with my own misfortune, I am actually planning some drastic measures circumventing personal loss. Now that I found a reliable ally, black berries never taste this good. Let me just finish configuring this program. Happy whatever day geepees!

BEAR WITNESS 2 MY

The corner of 101 and 102, downtown, where this BM office stand, bear witness to recent muggings in this pathetic onion town. From cigarretes, rolling coins, petty thieves, and other incidents lurks and abounds. This is where a bus stop also stands. And whenever I pass by this site, I always took time, say little prayers and reminisce about our loving departed one. I remembered asking him about Ayasiv (He loved boxing). If he got the chance to watch the fight. Said yes. Boarded the bus...and moved on.



Like his dad before him, his eyes were failing...then I wondered...Did he really recognize me?

VALENTINE'S TREATS

After threatening us employees for massive lay-offs and downsizing, they had sudden change of heart and treated us the other day for a Valentine Day's feast; All You Can Eat Buffet of chocolate fondue dip. For a change, our company's cheap Social Commitee spent an elaborate fountain that we all could partake and enjoy. Various entry of fruit salad, ( gay) twisted pretzels, (so gay) rainbow marshmallows, (very gay) and bits and tiny bits of world famous doughnuts, (absolutely gay). But of course, my favorite, boxes and boxes of scrumptious Chinese Lady Fingers, plain sweet waffers to you, (aren't they gay)?

The childish wolf in me love to smuck my face onto the said fountain of melted chocolates but we were explicitly told not to double dip. I'm vey much allergic to chocs anyways, HOORAY!!!

THE MELBOURNE SHUFFLE

My teen-age son is irritating. He's been dancing and dancing this morning. He's doing this sort of moon walk and jumping rhapsody. Like sufis going round and round endlessly. He's pirouetting insanely and aimlessly to my dismay. And even without music, he'd been dancing for hours on end to the beat of unheard techno sound. No rhyme nor reason; to which I ask, how does he call it? It's called The Melbourne Shuffle, he said.

OMGWTFLOLZMELBOURNESHUFFLE!!!!

Am I getting out of touch?

CREATIONISM?

Teaching my inquisitive god-child, Jesusito Bendicion III about creation become less daunting, especially now, when scientists discovered fossilized vertebrae of behemoth, pre-historic anaconda in Colombian forest.
He's convince, more than ever that Adam and Eve's existence from the garden of Eden was only a product of fertile imaginations of our biblical forefathers.
His change of heart, is due to this wild assumption that the creation if ever to be believe or true; then Eve could have been eaten alive by the slimy slithering serpent long before tempting them to eat the forbiden fruit.

EXEMPLARY

Exemplary conversations between my adorable son and your's truly would go something like this.

Me: Where are you going?
Son: Out. (He's busy straightening his hair with iron appliance).
Me: Where are you going? (I repeated ever so sickly sweet).
Son: Out! (Still minding his locks because they get curly whenever he takes a shower or wets them).
Me: WHERE ARE YOU GOING??? (Raising my voice this time, trying to get a decent reply from my querries).
Son: FUCK OFF!!! (Put down the hair appliance that I always thought giving his hair more of a problem).
Me: Come again SIR? (My hands are all tied-up behind my back and picturing myself retrieving the sharpest knife I could find from the kitchen and started weilding it hysterically to this good for nothing hooligan, my mind kind of dim and all of sudden turned crimson like a grotesque scene pulled out from horror movies).
Son: I'd be back before you know. I promise...'LUV YAH!
Me: Just stay out of trouble, You hear?...(That calm me down, the thought of bludgeoning him to death is unnecessarry. I love this stupid pest. How can I do such a thing? I even adore his shoes that he just bought with his own hard earned money)You look like a drug dealer. (I added).
Son: Cool! (Exits).

OVER A BOWL OF CEREALS

Over a bowl of cereals, my teen-age son and I had a brief roe and wade discussions when I simply reminded him that today is Mr. Barrack Obama's inauguration day. And he didn't care nor give a crap about it. As far as he's concern the USA president is pro-abortion.

I'd like to believe that I am as liberal as any Frenchmen but to hear my son utter such conservative view, I was flabbergasted. I wondered as well if what he just quipped was his true opinion or just part of his peers and/or mentors point of view. So I challenged him.

"What if abortion is a necessity; and if the said pregnancy is detrimental?

"Tough luck," he replied, "they shouldn't be pregnant in the first place"

"Rape"? I asked. Unfortunate circumstances?

"It doesn't matter!" he chorted.

We hardly finished our breakfast and about to impart some knowledge of internet proportion but he'd be late for school.

Woe to thee, I was thinking if I needed some serious parental skills!

HAIR SPRAY ANYONE?

Senor G. Full Neym Withheld Calvo, my barber for 15 years nearly died when I told him that his services is no longer warranted for good. Eversince I learned that the reason why I'm also getting thin hairs and growing baldy is due to his extra diligent care.

Wifi recommend that I should go to her favorite saloon, Kwik-Kutters. And I rebuffed her right away by saying that her sister-proprietress, Kiki Moui is giving me the creeps for her gupet-pyuke style. It's true that she's very very fast yet detail but the way she holds the scissors is like she's going down my trousers; and it wont be long before she'd accidentally cut my schlong.

So I decided, a drastic action must be done with my formerly voluminous hair, I took the shavers myself and started shaving away my cabeza. Now I look like the comrade from hell because my head is cropped in boufant style. Wifi bawled and missed my Bon Jovi rock-star.

What's your gel?

THE VILLAGE IDIOT

You'd be interested to know that at the village I grew up in, my childhood friends used to call me kuton after fiery ants that attacked my balls. Cal me baloney but I'm no effing Montana.

PREMIUM BREAKFAST

2009 arrived and knocked at our doorstep not with a bang but a whimper. We'd let it in stride and treated it like any regular day. Quiet. No hoopla, no noise, no fanfare, no whistle. And preety much de nada. Very insignificant really. But the morning after wifi treated us to a sumptous breakfast. I could easily be persuaded for a McDo coffee but she opted, err insisted, rather for Teddy's . We had a very premium Alberta beef steak, while she giddily chow down on a dozen of mouth firing hot-hot wings. This breakfast really cost her too much that my son and I agreed that it probably be our last meal for the very first day of the year.

THE SEAL OF APPROVAL

My giant friend from Tuktoyuktuk was noticeably silent yesterday and I couldn't be much happier. He was really a pain in the rear if he was pissed drunk, so I gave him a piece of my mind and utter the "seal" of approval in French. Unpleasant it may be but it probably worked because the fool shut the hell up.

But Khoopsy, could you please explain to me why every Wednesday, I would have vivid dreams and never forget them? It's been like that eversince I could remember. And this morning was no different. In it I was having an amorous affairs and suddenly being chased by two black rabid dogs. I froze. Like in real life when confronted by pit bull several years ago, but I just looked at that dang animal and stared it down and whispered something.

Phoque...phoque...phoque!

R.W.B. & ALL AMERICAINS

The pervasive invasion of CNN in our household is nothing to be desired. This Globe Watcher is merely becoming his departed bau-ji, RIP, in terms of his entertainment. Watching political conventions south of the border is really fascinating. And last night's RNC, Republican National Convention, showed me John McCain and his running mate in a new light in contrast to his presidential democrat nominee, Barrack Obama and Joe Biden.

I am no pundit nor care much about this les Americains eliront, but history is unfolding before my very eyes, and I was glued once again with these politician's speeches meeches. And from it I easily deduce the tough choices I must consider if I were an American.

J.ust Statesman
O.ld servant soldier
H.umble hero
N.uovo Reformiste
M.averick
C.onservative (left leaning republican)
C.hange is coming
A.merican fighter
I.nspiring?
N.ationalist

S.ultry
A.laskan
R.edneck reformer?
A.rbiter, alternative
H.unter, hockey mama
P.ro Life
A.nchor-woman
L.ipsticked glow (read it)
I.ngenue?
N.o nonsense pitbull!

Thank goodness I am not an American for in November election the choices are tough as nails and contentious. Don't forget that my handpicked for this, Hillary Clinton, is sadly, out and done.

NO LUVS LOST

Watching the Beijing Olympics since day one made me the ultimate champion, as far as I'm concern. I'm so glued to the televz and still couldn't get enough out of it. I'm all gaga about it, and surfing is not an option as I don't wanna miss any single event there is. So aside from streamline coverage on the web, I had prompt all my tele-sets side by side and turn them ON into more than three cable stations. Even at work, these games and programs are what we are following.
I'ts so compelling and really inspiring!

So far my favorite was a] Michael Phelps' outstanding one-one hundredth of a second butterfly glide to the wall. b] Canadian Alexander Despaties' triumphant dives despite injuries. And c] the 100 and 200 meter OR breaker run by Jamaican, Usain Bolt. To my mind this young man is more than above his league, he is a class by himself...no, an elegant horse, FCOL!

But the downside to all of these sports watching is that it made me so lazy and I notice weight gain down my belly...err my luv handles. Now I have to trim down some obvious fats. I should start jogging or be in a regimental exercise for I now couldn't compete with wifi's rotor mouth who doesnt really give a crap or two about these whole events.

Now if only Moscow and Washington government would have a clear-cut cease-fire agreement over Georgian Republic, that would be terrific!

THE BEAUTIES AND THE BEASTS

Sister Buddamed decided at the last minute to tag me along last night to this comedy show forward slash concert forward slash gab-fest forward slash karaoke forward slash impersonation entertainment held at this prestigious Edmonton artzy venue, The Francis Winspear Center for Music.

I said last minute because mumsy, the Queen, vehemently refused to watch this kind of show, reasoning that it wasn't a Sharon Cuneta. So there, I was lucky enough to come along and never stopped laughing to the jokes and antics of these Philippines' celebrities and showbiz personnalities that I hardly ever knew except one. Thanks goodness, that cousin Robert, the contract worker, told me who are these famous bimbettes with strong vocal chords.

The show started an hour away from scheduled performance (talk about Pinoy time) with a ho-hum renditions of some promising Filipino rock band from Calgary, rapsters wannabees from Winnipeg, Beyonce copycat and a duet from two divas from Hollywood, and a Josh Groban local singer, with of course gay dancers as the first act.

Intermission. Then to my horror err surprise came out a sex-siren, Giselle Sanchez, a fine and a gem of Philippine television that has a skin so bleached-white, and was intoduced as a graduate of University of the Philippines. She's witty and funny and walloped a power house at the expense of some unsuspecting compatriots who became part of the act. She wasted no time cajoling seven men for an impromtu materials like Top Gun, reffering to one of the men evidently losing his hair. This starlet is really entertaining, with the oldies tunes. Chah...chah...chah!

Next act is another beauty in the person of Pooh aka Reginald. This Ayasiv (Ilongo) had an endearing qualities about him impersonating the famous Philippine boxer, Manny Pacquiao. I laughed out loud that I fell from the edge of my seat (J-104) where I notice that a namesake is etched on the armrest. (Coincidence?) He's humour was delivered in subtle fashion that you'll laugh till you cry or was it the other way around? This sweet man also sings very well. Unbelievable!

Thirdly was Allan K; the sex bomb, that according to my cousin Robert is of Eat Bulaga fame. This flamboyant gay guy stole the evening with his comedic routine highlighting an experience from world-wide travels, the first class versus economy airline passengers, Mabuhay and other irreverent stuff. Plus a bombastic rendition of Ako'y Pilipino. Somehow I never felt so proud after his number, it brought tears to my eyes, beaming.

The performance of this emaciated Ruffa Mae Quinto clad in skimpy suit baring her soul is the fourth act with her Ocean Deep version. Her act was somewhat anti-climatic. Wasn't she just intoxicated? Don't get me wrong, she too could sing, imitating other divas, but her performance was much less to be desired that reminds me of a burlesque show in third rate cinema-houses back home.

Now I know why they titled this show as The Beauties and the Beasts. Because at first I thought I was going to watch a Dysneyland series. This show was exclusively presented by DB Entertainment & Production Ltd. and had a summer run here in Canada which started from Vancouver all the way to Winnipeg.

After the show is the photo opportunity. We got to mingle with these small but terrible performers. Cousin Robert started groping Allan K. while Buddamed bought a CD from Ruffa-Mae and asked for a signed calendar from Reginald. While Rose, my half sister became our shutterbug.

I on the other hand, opted a picture with the producer of the show, Lala Aunor. I never imagined that this former teeny booper sensation is now producing. Sis, Robert, and Rose were wondering who the hell is she? Am I the only one who knew her? She's of course the cousin of superstar Nora Aunor. Then I remembered Winnie Santos, Dondon Nakar, Arnold Gamboa, and the long forgotten years.

POST SANS TITLE

This morning, I had fallen asleep on the couch watching tele. I had forgotten already exactly what the program was. And its not that important. But what striking to me was my vivid dream about fa-ja.

In my dream, I was waiting on a shed corner when suddenly father showed up and was even surprised to have seen me. He was in blue T-shirt, and in kind of a hurry. I went with him home to mumsy's place, who was actually resting in the bedroom. Father then proceeded straight away to where the Queen was; and I asked where I can rest and they pointed me to an adjacent bedroom where my other still living relatives back home materialized.

What a surreal dream that was, I even posted this kablag without a title in the first place, wasn't that weird?

DISUNITED NATION

Why I dread the coming birthday celebration of Baby Princess! Meeting her Mommy Dearest is the main reason why I'm not really looking forward to this occasion. I just hope that she's in full Xanax moodswing that day, so that I wont be uneasy. Its been six long months since we are all gathered together. My Chinito nephew. My Irish out-law brother Abe, the hypocrite, with Bida, my elder sister. Lapuks and her Iranian boytoy. Buddhamed. Rose. The Queen herself. P_ _ _ N_ _ _ _ _ and beloved wifi. We are all invited to this very much orchestrated gathering with other hundred guests of Ismaili origin. East-Indian friends and kins. The only thing that would make me happy though, is the thought of a small convention of the league of nations. Thanks goodness I now have a valid excuse not to go!

AREA CODE

Dialing a 10 digits number here in Alberta is a pain in the neck. Gone are the days when we simply dial 7 digits and talk. But now, we have 2 add 780 on top of everything. Not 2 mention long distances. This is way too much for me. I'm getting a headache. I have 2 re-program our landline and cell phone so we wont have 2 waste dialing as much as many numbers. Especially now that I think I'm getting alzheimers just trying 2 remember any number and ordinal combinations.

Just this morning, I could not recall my friend's (ContraVida) cell number. As I didn't have it readily available, I dialed a number that is so dear 2 me instead.

For some reason, I had it commited 2 memory but when I realize my mistakes,the person on the other end of the line had already answered. A very distinct Indian voice, that I'd recognize after all these years. It was kinda embarrasing.

भिया, हाउ अरे यू? दो यू हवे अ बिग हाउस फॉर सेल? इ नेवर फोरगेट यू आफ्टर अल ठेस येअर्स...
इ मिस यू सो मच! बर्री-बर्री माकन? तुमसे नही है । इ लव यू ... नमस्ते.

I am happy 2 know that he is still in around, though. Trying 2 sold another
lovely house by the suburb. He told me long ago 2 contact him in case I needed his assistance buying real estate. So I told him that I simply dialed his number
by mistake. In case he'd think that I am stalking him.

You see I have a selective memory. When it comes 2 birthdays and age, I'd forget them. My social security number. And anniversaries.

Funny thing is I could still remember an old chequing account that I cancelled 15 years ago, o52o-8023917, Bank of Montreal, Kingsway Branch. So if you guys care 2 donate some extra cash, you know where not 2 send them.

1177 21221 01349 **** 11529 ****6748 **** Hhmmm...just what the hell are these?

Wanted - New Trailer!

WANTED

W.ithout
A. doubt the most
N.erve wracking
T.heater
E.ntertaiment I have ever seen in
D.ecades.

I must have mentioned this to you before that I don't go out much to see a movie and waste one or two hours of my time in despicable celluloid houses. But just tonight, I've managed to get inside one and had the wildest and thrilling experience of my life. This Angelina Jolie movie, WANTED is so much fun and entertaining to watch despite the bloody gory scenes it depicts.

Its brilliant fast pace, chaotic and sheer madness.

YES WE DEED WED

Fifteen years ago today, dearest wifi and I got hitched in a very memorable quickie wedding ceremony performed by now dead, RIP, Justice of the Peace in our neck of the woods. I cannot ever forget that day, I mean how could I, when everything was so surreal. It's peculiarly windy that day just like today. The city was sunny but overcast with patches of dark clouds that can be seen from far and wide. Our marriage, pardon the pun, went well without a hitch, although the weather seemed to be not cooperating. Like I said, it was so windy that flyers and newspapers were being blown away onto the streets while neighborhood dogs kept on barking as dearest wifi and I were exchanging vows. It's a bit odd that those dogs never ceased howling during our nuptial which happened to be witnessed by four of our dear friends. You may probably think that those animals actually disapproved of us, joining together in a sacred matrimony on a day like this. And then came the sudden heavy rain which just like today was so abrupt and unexpected. Yeah it did rain and poured today that brought back the memories of yester-years.

Our reception was held at a very classy restaurant nearby the Northgate Mall, attended by throngs of relatives and now distant friends. It's sad to say that this said restaurant is now home and venue for a very notorious strip club. What can I say...life sucks!

And you know what else...why this date is memorable? Because June 12, aside from being our anniversary, is also Philippines Independence Day when dearest wifi and I chose to get tied for the rest of our lives. Ain't that oxymoron-ic?

FLICKING INDY JONES

As an advanced Father's Day gift to me, my dearest wifi and son treat yours truly, jimg29, to a blockbuster movie। I reckon that it's been years since the three of us,together, last saw a movie on the big screen। Because mostly we just rent our entertainment via nearby video store. Just what can I say? I still can't speak, I lost my voice, it's still hoarse but I'll try my best!The movie was alright, still exciting, ho-hum at times. But to my son's assessment it was truly, and spectacularly cool. While dear wifi was just too glad to get out of the house, breath some fresh air and get to spend her money with clipped coupons. I on the other hand, with my discerning taste in entertaiment, am the one who actually phoo-pooed the movie that I chose to watch in the first place; and is acting like a spoiled rotten child with this nasty cold still plugging my respiratory. So dearest wifi stopped by a drugstore and brought me CEPACOL, what a relief that is. It's just a lozenges but actually do wonder to calm my (effing) throath. And now I can truly suspend my disbelief on this -su-per-flu-ous- Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls. Watching a documentary about the same subject is a much more thrilling ride.